On becoming who we are

It's not often that I write a post that is a response to another post, but sometimes the topic warrants it. Karen wrote a post on labels and what it means to be a runner, a marathoner, etc. Her post was a response to Once a runner by Jon.

I had an interesting thing happen to me yesterday. As many of you know, about three years ago I set out on a journey to change my life. I started going to the gym and over the course of several months, lost more than 70 lbs.

I had to learn to deal with people asking me questions about how I did it, and in a few cases, if I'd had surgery. I found excessive compliments embarrassing. And I almost decked the guy who asked, "So is it all real? The weight loss? The boobs? I mean, you must have had surgery, right?"

The answers were simple - and very UNsexy. No surgery. No diets. Sensible eating. (The Canada Food Guide, to be exact. It's pretty boring - and it works.) And lots of physical activity. I have stretch marks and extra skin that are, as I like to put it, the price I paid for freedom.

There were numerous times when people I hadn't seen in a long time expressed shock or simply walked past without recognizing me. It felt strange.

I've more or less maintained my weight for a couple of years now. This "new" me is no longer new, but is a person I've grown into. I understand that there are no guarantees that I won't gain all the weight back. I've been big before and I can be big again.

Somewhere in that process I became a runner. I also remember accepting the title with reluctance, telling people "I'm a wanna be runner... not really a runner." Or "I run, but I'm not a runner" or worse "I'm a plodder." At some point I accepted that I am a runner... and I grew into that, too.

Yesterday I was at a retirement party for a lady I used to work with. I left the job several years ago and haven't seen many of the people who were there for a long time. A few of them showered me in the same compliments that were more numerous a few years ago. I still felt uncomfortable with the attention, but have tried to learn to be gracious about it. I say thank you and then turn the conversation back to them, asking how they are or what they've been up to.

Then a puzzling, shocking thing happened. I saw a girl that worked with us, in our little office of four people. We both left the department in the same year. She moved thousands of miles away, back to her home province and we lost touch. She had flown in especially for the retirement party.

She walked by me and I called her name, greeting her with a big smile, saying, "What are you doing here? Great to see you!"

She looked at me in a searching way and finally said, "I know you... I know that I know you, but I'm sorry, I don't really remember..."

I was baffled. We worked together for four years. And there were only four people in our department - one of whom was the person whose retirement we were all there to celebrate! How could she not remember?

I said, "It's Sarah."

She put her hand over her mouth and said, "Oh my God. I didn't recognize you! I can't believe it. I even asked (so-and-so) if you were going to be here. I was looking for you, but I... I'm so sorry. How are you?!" She was visibily embarrassed, stammering and awkward.

We both quickly recouped and had a good visit, eventually exchanging e-mail addresses and promises to stay in touch.

I recounted this story to a friend who's known me for a decade now. I was a bit dumbfounded that someone I'd worked with in such a small setting for so long wouldn't recognize me. Not even by voice!

My friend said she understood how it could happen. "You've changed so much," she said. "You forget. Those of us who see you all the time, we all forget, too. But, I can see how that could happen."

Hhhmmm... It got me thinking about identity... who we are.... how we see ourselves. When we change, are we still the same?

I have a couple of friends who have become born-again Christians. In one case, the girl was a total party animal in university. The change was drastic and seemed sudden to many of us, though she says it was a long time in the making. I remember her being so stinking drunk at parties she couldn't stand up. Now she doesn't touch a drop of liquor. She married within her faith and has two great kids who are being raised by very strict moral rules. She is very, very adament about her new way of life... And seems sincerely happy with it, too. Which is the "real" her? The party animal or the convert? I still have a hard time reconciling the two. Essentially, she has always been a good person, so I try to just accept her and not judge what I don't understand.

This post is a little disjointed, but I guess the main question I wanted to throw out there is in addition to labels, what does identity mean to you? If you look back in time, is the person you are today the one you expected yourself to be?

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."- e.e. cummings

Running the talk

One of the blogs I like to visit is Olga's Run more, talk less. The title of today's post made me thing of the title of her blog, just because of the wording. (I hope you don't feel like I'm poaching, Olga!)

I always had the idea that the title of her blog meant something along the lines of "Just get on with it! Run!" I like that idea.

I have never had a lot of patience with people who yip on about what they're going to do "one day". They talk big and do nothing.

I am coming to realize that some people need to talk things through to make themselves feel accountable. It makes it real for them and then they feel motivated to go out and make it happen.

Others really are "just talk".

Whatever is behind it, it's their journey. Part of my little experiment of late has been to listen without judgement, not necessarily believing everything I hear, but not discounting it either. If there's one thing I am learning it's that humans are complex creatures. Most of them are far beyond my comprehension. And really, one shouldn't judge what one doesn't understand, right?

My return to running has been slow, but good. The foot issue was declared "resolved" yesterday by the dermatologist. There's one teeny little spot there, but it doesn't look like wart tissue, so we'll see what the doctor says next time I see her. Basically, the little buggers scabbed over and fell off. Yup, you read that right. They fell off - all on their own! The trick was to keep them dry enough that scabs formed, resisting the temptation to scratch them when they got itchy and just leave them be to heal. And they did.

The human body is an amazing thing.

I know those were gruesome details, but I also know that the runners out there truly did want to know!

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to a pedicure soon. :-)

So, I've been trying to build up my base again, slowly, so as not to get injured by doing too much, too soon. I celebrate each week that I was able to do a little bit more than the week before.

I'm also trying a new approach - heart rate training. For my long runs (which is a relative term; they are not nearly as long as they used to be, but I'll get there), I am trying to keep my heart rate in the 130s or less. This is pitifully slow, but from everything I've read and been told, heart rate training is very effective for distance athletes. (If anyone has any info on this, I'd love to read more, by the way!)

So far, the results have been good. Better recovery, no tummy grumpiness and no blisters - not even one! I also tried eLoad caps today for the first time, as recommended by my sports nutritionist. My preliminary evaluation is that they work well for me, but I'll test them again on other long runs.

But back to heart rate training... The physical results, for me at least, are undeniable. The tough part is grappling with my own ego. I know I can go faster. I want to go faster. I feel like I am somehow less worthy as a runner if I don't go at a certain pace.

Today I ran past a girl I'm friendly with at my gym. We chat often and she's one of my favorite people who works there. But when it comes to running, we are in different leagues. She's basically an elite track athlete and her warm up pace is faster than my speed work.

We said hi to each other as we passed. My first reaction was embarrassment. I thought, "Oh my God. I'm going so slowly! What is she going to think?"

Then I put myself in check. "Actually, she's likely focussed on her own run and doesn't give a flying leap what you're doing. Besides, who cares what anyone else thinks? It's your run. Enjoy it!"

And so, I grapple with my own ego as I waver between soaking in the beautiful view and clean, crisp air and my own desire to want more. I realize that before I can truly stop judging others, I must train my brain and my heart to stop judging myself.

This has become part of my training. I strive to find the balance between challenging myself, but not so much that it is harmful (blisters, vomiting, infections... morale!)

When I got home, I saw that a friend had posted this video on her Facebook page. I thought it was good. Though it redirects at the end to ask if you want to sign up for a newsletter, it is otherwise worth watching:

Walk the Talk

So, instead of "walking the talk", my mission is to "run the talk". Training the body, the heart, and the mind... all at once.

One step at a time.

PS: Robb will appreciate this. It was just around the freezing point when I started out and went up a couple of degrees during my run. I wore shorts.

Ramblings

One of the necessities (and joys) of being a grad student is that you read. A lot. You become a human consumer of philosophy, theory and academic articles like you've never been before.

I think I mentioned in a previous blog post that I was struggling with the theoretical framework for my thesis. This is fairly major because you can't write a thesis without one. And not only do you have to believe in it, you need to have read as much as possible about it. You need to know "the big names" inside and out; when they lived, who influenced them, who they influenced, what they wrote, when they wrote and so on.

This becomes not only about the reading, but about who you are as a person. Your thesis becomes a public document. Though it will most likely collect dust in a library, it might not. And you need to be darned sure that you believe in what you're writing about.

Telling you about the academic reading I'm doing would bore you. But I'm going to throw some questions out there that have come to the foreground of my mind and see what you make of them. (It's OK if you decide I'm looney bin.)

The big question is this:

What if we were able to focus on and appreciate each others' strengths as humans and truly look beyond faults?

I'm not talking about ignoring faults or pretending they don't exist. I think it's what some people might call forgiveness, but I'm not particularly relgious, so I'll use different language to describe the same idea.

I mean, what would happen to the world, to humanity, if we could do that? If we CHOSE to do that? All of us. En masse.

What would happen?

I've thought about this. I've even been experimenting with doing it. And I'll tell ya. It's hard. People love to gripe and complain about others - whether they love them, like them or don't even know them. (I'm also speaking as someone who lives in a place where a provincial election just happened a few days ago. Trust me, you heard lots of nasty griping - about every political flavour out there.)

Makes me wonder if we are even capable of not grumbling about what we don't like or how others tick us off, or are somehow less than we think they could or should be - or are somehow less than we think we are. In my deepest core, I think we are capable, but... but...

Here is where I get a bit lost... One question leads to another and I get all caught up in the headiness of it all.

On a practical level, I've been experimenting with this as a way of thinking and living - without being so Polly Anna that I lose all my friends! Most days I fail at least once. But I figure that there's value in the trying, anyway.

By the way, for all you runners who've been itching for an update, you'll be relieved and delighted to know that I have been pondering these questions on my recent runs - short (5 km) and glorious runs. I am taking it easy, and it feels good.

My experiments with thought

I am experimenting with something. The foot infection got me down, both physically and mentally. Now that I'm over the worst of it, I have been thinking about these mental effects of not running; or more precisely, of not doing something that brings you joy. That joy is hard to explain to people who don't do it, but I think that most of us - runners and non-runners alike - have things in life that calm our soul and make us feel centred, safe, and alive... possibly even playful.

If running is what does it for you and you can't run for whatever reason, I think part of what we miss are these feelings and the sense of centredness. Things seem to go off kilter and that makes us grumpy. No one likes to feel messed up.

Then I had this thought. I wondered what would happen if I turned it all on its head and, while acknowledging the grumpiness, think deeply about what is going RIGHT with my training.

Suddenly the thoughts started to tumble forth:

1) I'm strong. For my size and frame, I can lift a fair amount of weight in the gym. And I see the results of this strength training in my every day life. A few days ago at the grocery store the cashier asked if I wanted a hand out with my groceries. I said no, thanks, I'd be OK. "With all that?" She asked. I said, "I was carrying it around in a basket, so it's OK." She replied, "That's pretty heavy for a basket." Whatever. It hadn't really occurred to me. I love it when these little encounters happen and take me by surprise. It reminds me that I have worked hard and I am strong.

2) My knees are good. This is partly due to having strong legs, but who cares what the reason is? They're good!

3) My last VO2 max text put me in the highest category possible for women my age. And that was BEFORE I started running half marathons last year.

4) I'm flexible. I do yoga and it's good for my soul and my body. As my yoga teacher likes to say, "Flexibility is something that happens by accident when you do yoga." It's a good accident.

5) My weight is stable. Even though I'm in this incredibly stressful program, which would have led to excessive eating and weight gain in the past, that has not happened this time.

6) I'm still thinking about future races... focussing on what is possible, with time.

7) I have a really wonderful support network around me from bloggers, to friends and family, to medical and fitness professionals who help me get from one goal to the next, sometimes from one day to the next and even at times, from one moment to the next.

8) I really like the gym I go to. The staff there are wonderful and it's a good place to be.

9) I enjoy my training. Whether it's weights or cardio or yoga, this is a part of my day I look forward to. In fact, on rest days I often push away thoughts of going for "just a quick workout". I know I need to rest. But the joy I feel when I train is something I cherish.

This led to thoughts about what is going right in my life in general. These thoughts have occupied my mind and come rushing forth, one after another, like they're craving recognition. There are too many to cite there, but among them are the many good relationships I have in my life. Really, I am surrounded by quality people. If I'm in a bind, there's always someone there, ready to help. That's pretty wonderful.

I'm studying something I love and I have a fantastic supervisor to guide me along this path I'm on and help me through the rough spots. There is no question that it is hard. And there is no question that I love it.

I'm doing work I enjoy and that feels meaningful. Heck, when I was out of work and had no idea how I was going to make ends meet, I was seriously freaking out. I was floored when people started calling and wanting to meet, go for coffee or chat about possible work. I went from being completely unemployed with no prospects of work to having to make some choices about what would be best for my current situation. The result? I'm getting paid the same hourly rate I was before, with more flexibility and the potential for some international travel in the next few months. Really, life's pretty good.

I'm not saying that nothing's wrong. There are still lots of things that are far from perfect. But when I decided to experiment and instead of thinking about those things, start to think about all the things going right, the result was a remarkable reduction in my feelings of grumpiness, anxiety and not being good enough. They have been replaced by a feeling of joy that bubbles up somewhere from deep within and rises to the top of my soul in an effervescent lightness.

I don't know how long it will last. And I don't really care at this point. For now I'm going to enjoy it. Oh yeah, and the next time I freak out, you all have permission to remind me that I wrote this post.

"A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Ghandi.

Baby steps

Now that the cold has more or less subsided and my foot is getting better, I decided to try a few short runs this week. Nothing too taxing, just 20 minutes or so at a time, on the treadmill. I'll see what the doctor says about my foot next week. It does hurt a bit when I run, but not like before.

The goal now is to not let it get re-infected. Going too hard, too soon - which I am prone to do, could bring back that infection, so I have to be sensible.

Speaking of being sensible, I met with my Ph.D. supervisor yesterday. He was helpful and clear about keeping me on track. Grad students going off on tangents that lead no where is common. He has no intention of letting that happen to me. He said, "I want you on the job market by this time next year." And a few minutes later he said, "Start writing. You have enough to begin, at least."

OK, so now I have a goal. I like goals. I need them, actually. I felt relieved and re-focussed after we met. He's a really, really good supervisor and I know I'm lucky to have someone like that guiding me along.

I also finally told him about my foot, the infection, the cold and generally being a bit wiped out from it all (and hence less productive).

His response was, "You ran 32 kilometres with a hole in your foot? What program are you in again? Right, a Ph.D. Need I remind you that people who do PhDs are supposed to be reasonably smart?"

OK, OK, I guess I deserved that. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to do my first 20-miler with the an open, oozing wound on the sole of my foot. But we learn by doing, right?

And to answer Michelle's question, I think it was the wound created by the chemotherapy, not the wart itself, that was infected. This topical chemo kills everything in its path, coring out a hole deep into the flesh. Imagine a really corrosive cream that eats away at whatever it touches. It's like that. I applied it with a Q-tip, but even then, some healthy tissue surrounding the wart was killed off. It was this cored out little open wound that was affected.

Anyway, enough of all that.

I am feeling better overall. The foot is healing. My work is progressing.

And I still have my eye on that half marathon in April. It's all good.

40 days and 40 nights

I'm sure there's something significant about the whole 40 days and 40 nights of going through some deeply challenging experience, but I can't remember what it is.... Hhhm...

Well folks, here we are... 40 days and 40 nights of no running. The infection, turned blood poisoning has been dealt with. The inflammation remains, but it's better than infection. The antibiotics did exactly what they were supposed to and killed any and all bacteria they found, including the good stuff. The flu then decided to invade for a while and that kept me flat on my back for most of the weekend.

I'm up and at 'er now though... sniffling and hacking away. Oh, it's lotsa fun, lemme tell you.

What I can say, with a certain amount of certainty is that if you think taper madness is real, then I can assure you that 40 days and 40 nights of no running brings all kinds of visions, hallucinations, depression and dark, lonely nights.

A quick recap of life in the non-running zone:

1) I did get clearance from the ethics board to conduct my research, only to contact a few people who want no part of any interviews for my project. They all think it's a great idea and would love to read the results, but no one wants to "go on the record", even anonymously. This kind of screws my project. I've been freaking out. My supervisor has been away so we have not talked. I'm fairly disheartened.

2) Due to the frustrations and feeling like I'm banging my head against the wall, I have seriously been asking myself, "Who the heck needs a Ph.D. anyway?" Have been fantasizing about walking away from this program. (Can't run; can still walk!)

3) Have been wondering what it would be like to have a "normal" life - go out with friends on a semi-regular basis, have a job, date... you know... everyday stuff. Instead, I bury my head in academic articles about stuff that doesn't seem to matter much. And for some reason, I think it's worth it to do this?

4) While thinking about #2 and #3, I've tossed the entire theoretical framework of my thesis. It just doesn't work. I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And I'm failing. I have to find something new. In the academic realm, this is considered fairly "major stuff". I have yet to tell my supervisor about it.

5) Items 1-4 have me pretty much out of my mind. To compensate, I signed up to do a half marathon in April. (See race schedule side bar.) This is crazy. I'm haven't run in over a month. When will I run again? Who knows? Why did I sign up? I'm insane. Either that or I need to focus my hope on something - and this is it!

I miss running.

Sigh.

Non-running (Day 29)

Karen is one of those runners I admire because she can somehow manage to balance it all - family, work, life and running. Any time I talk to her she's easy going, relaxed, likes to laugh and always has an encouraging word for other runners. It's no wonder she's been hired to teach a Learn to Run course at a local running store.

After having heard all about my foot situation, she e-mailed me yesterday to say that she had a book to lend me. Today she made a special trip to the University to drop it off.

I was thinking, "I've read quite a few running books. I should probably ask her which one it is so she doesn't make a needless trip all the way over here."

But Karen was one step ahead of me. She knew this was a book that I would not have read. Even though she's been to my house and she's seen the book shelves that line an entire wall of my living room, with other books piled here and there, she knew this was not among them. And she was right.

She gave it to me today saying it would be a good ab work out. Again, she was right.

She brought me The Non-Runner's Book by Vic Ziegel and Lewis Grossberger. It has chapters such as "Non-running for beginners", "How to avoid the Boston marathon", "Staying out of shape", "How non-runners cope" (I'm rather curious about that topic), "How to talk to a runner" and "Sex and the single non-runner" (another chapter which has piqued my interest, I confess).

The book, of course, is all about NON-running. I mean, can you imagine such a thing??

It coaches people on how to kick back and relax and NOT run. In fact, it opens with the line "non-running is life itself".

When I read that I was positively gobsmacked.

But there's a practical side they assure the reader, commenting that "One of the best things about non-running is that it requires so little in the way of clothing and equipment, or 'stuff' as it is termed in non-running slang." (pp. 16-17).

This got me thinking... As a poor student who frets about her bills, but who wouldn't dream of buying a cheapo pair of running shoes, it seemed to make sense in a perverse, messed up kind of way.

And speaking of shoes, the authors make a point to say, "If a shoe sees you coming and runs away, you'll know it's a running shoe and not a non-running shoe. Let it go." (p. 17)

I thought about the last pair of non-running shoes I bought. They were replacement standard black mule-type things that I like to wear just about everywhere. The previous pair were two years old, and very, very ratty. I have many pairs of running shoes, but I really only have one pair of non-running shoes that I wear.

I have other non-running shoes, but I don't wear them much, usually because my feet are covered in blisters (or worse, as is the case now). The slip on mules are about the only thing my running feet can tolerate on a daily basis. This book made me wonder what it would be like to wear pretty shoes again.

Or even a pair of really sassy boots. Oooh! Now there's a thought I wouldn't have entertained before. I mean, clumsy as I am, I'm likely to fall over and twist my ankle, so I couldn't run. But if I were a non-runner, that wouldn't matter, now would it?

And they offer alternative activities. One of them is napping. I know that's not something runners really do much. But they have a point when they say, "Napping is one of the basic non-running activities. All you really need for it is a pair of eyes to close and a surface to plop your body onto. The best instrument for this purpose is a short, squat piece of equipment known as the couch." (p. 26)

That's about as far as I've gotten in the book so far. But I'll tell you, all these ideas have my brain a bit swirly.

I mean, I worked so hard to become a runner. I remember when I first started to call myself a runner. I wasn't really sure I was at first. Then I realized that yes, I am indeed a runner. I may be slow. I may not be all that fluid, but I really do have the obsessive, compulsive, goal-driven, neurotic type-A personality that runners have. I have all that AND infected plantars warts (which are healing quite nicely, thank you very much) and other foot and leg issues that only other runners are even remotely interested in knowing about.

I can't really imagine life as a non-runner, but there are actually people out there who non-run every day. I even know some of them. (My mind wanders to Bast, Young Cousin, C.M. and A., just to name a few.) And I like them as people; I really do. I mean, I think they're a bit odd for not wanting to run, but apart from that they're good, honest, smart, fun-loving types.

You'd better brace yourself for this next bit.

I ate a piece of chocolate cake today in honour of enjoying life as a non-runner. I know, to my running friends, this seems heinous. I can hear you gasping now. I mean, how on earth will I burn those calories off if I am not running?

Let me explain. All is not lost. I am still going to the gym. Today I spent half an hour going hard on the bike, followed a total of 30 full (men's) push-ups, 30 assisted pull-ups and 90 sit-ups, 60 leg-lifts and 30 side extensions. It's not as good as running of course, but if I have to live as a non-runner for a bit, then I'll have to transition into it slowly.

The authors caution about starting a life of non-running too fast saying, "Bad things can happen to wise guys who think they're such big shots they can just step out as fine as you please on their first day of non-running and go like a champ." (p. 9) I'll have to work into it slowly.

Between you and me, I can't really see myself as a non-runner on a long-term basis. (I mean, let's be realistic here, people.) But I have decided to take this opportunity to relate more fully to my non-running friends and get to understand this side of them. I promise not to run a mile (or even half a mile) in their mocassins. At least for a while.

Thanks Karen, for this truly wonderful ab workout. I am enjoying it thoroughly.

Time for a nap.

You gotta love her, warts and all

It's good to keep laughing when things go spinny. I went into my doctor today and when she asked how my foot was, I said (thinking of Eric), "Good news! It is still attached!"

I heard her telling the nurses later and they all got a good chuckle out of it. A few weeks ago I had joked with the same nurses, saying that I was bringing new meaning to the expression "to love someone warts and all". Not only did I have plantar's warts, they were infected.

The first infection came after my first long run on my birthday in November, a few weeks after the warts showed up.

I have little resistance to warts and waged a battle with them some 10 years ago when I was a Master's student. After 2 years of weekly (unsuccessful) liquid nitrogen treatments, my doctor (the same one I have now) sent me to see a dermatologist. He tried to burn them off with a laser. Twice. To no avail. He eventually prescribed a concoction consisting of Efudex (a chemotherapy) and salasylic acid. That stuff kills all living cells. And it finally worked.

So when I got this new batch of warts, I asked for more Efudex and I got it. I applied the stuff every day, and still went back for weekly liquid nitro treatments. After the first 18-miler in November, they got a bit infected. I used topical antibiotics and that took care of the infection. The warts remained, so I kept treating them.

On January 5, I did my first 20-miler. Within a few days the warts were infected again. I went back to the doctor. She prescribed more topical antibiotics and said that one really shouldn't do long runs with open sores on the bottom of the foot. The long runs compromise the immune system, as does the cold.

I said, "Sure thing, doc. Now can I please have some liquid nitrogen, too?" She grumbled, calling me a glutton for punishment, but hauled out the silver thermos full of cryotherapy and went to work.

That was on a Tuesday. By Friday, I was back in her office. She said, "Oh, I'm not happy. Not happy at all. Your foot is a mess." Not only did I have warts (infected warts, no less), the infection had spread quickly. I had red streaks coming out from it, heading towards my leg.

I learned that those red streaks are the beginning of blood poisoning. The streaks work themselves up your veins to the closest lymph nodes (in this case, the groin) and then you're in big trouble... hospitalized and on IV antibiotics.

She said, "You need a tetanus shot and you need it right now."

I was hauled into a treatment room where a nurse administered the needle. I left the office with a prescription for Novo-cloxin, a form of penicillin, more topical antibiotics, instructions on soaking my foot in epsom salts twice a day. She was vehement about two things. No more Efudex and absolutely, positively no more running; at least not until the infection is gone.

Hell, by that point walking was nasty, so I was OK with not running - at least for a day or two. I did say to the doctor, "All this from a couple of warts? Are you serious???"

She explained that the open wound left by the chemotherapy creates a vulnerable area. The pounding endured by the feet on a long run increases trauma to the area, leaving it incapable of fighting off tiny bacteria that enter through the wound. The result? An infection that spreads quickly and deeply through the tissue.

I joked with the doctor saying that after about 45 minutes into a run, the endorphins kick in and you don't really feel anything. That sent my normally calm Ironman-athlete-of-a-physician off onto a rant of a sort that I have never seen before. She said that it could become very serious very quickly. I was not to run. Period. No discussion.

The first round of penicillin (10 days) was effective in treating the streaks. They're gone now, thank God. After that I had to wait a week before starting a second round. We had hoped that the second round of antibiotics would kill the localized infection. We were wrong.

I've been gulping back pro-biotic yogurt and popping acidophilous like candy to help put some good bacteria back in my system. I've been stuffing myself with fresh veggies and fruit and eating so "clean" that even my yoga teacher would be impressed. I've had lights out every night at 10:00 p.m. And I've been following the treatment plan that includes no running, twice daily foot soaks and the topical and oral antibiotics. This has been effective only in preventing the infection from worsening, but it remains swollen, red (sometimes purple) and oozy. Doesn't that just sound yummy?

The doctor said today that after two rounds of penicillin she would have expected it to be cleared up, adding, "I just can't keep you on antibiotics. If we do, you'll start to get other things... like a bowel infection. We're not going there."

I feel a little tired and worn out, but I guess that's to be expected after all this agressive treatment. Of course, I try desperately not to show any of this, gritting my teeth as I walk anywhere, greeting people with friendly hellos and generally ignoring the reality that my body is trying valiantly to fight an infection I wish it didn't have.

Today the doctor had the nurses call the same dermatologist I saw a decade ago and get me a referral as an emergency case. We got an appointment for May 4. She was wonderful and said, "Do they not understand the word emergency?" She had the nurses call back and say that I needed an appointment sooner. The next date was February 22nd. My doctor said, "Still not good enough. She needs to go this week. She can't walk!"

I think she is worried about the blood poisoning returning. It came on very quickly the first time and now my immune system is pretty much maxed out. Well, I think I'd better bring the dermatologist some take-out, because they've booked me in during his lunch hour tomorrow. Bless my physician's heart for pushing the issue.

So, here we are... Day 26 of no running. I've lost pretty much 4 weeks of training. The idea of doing my first marathon in May is now a distant memory. Hell, the idea of running is almost a distant memory. I go to the gym and ride the bike and do some yoga...maybe lift some weights, if it doesn't involve being on my feet. I've been too mortified to say anything to anyone... I feel like such a wimp. I also feel like I've let down all the people who have been helping me towards this marathon goal - especially myself.

And let's face it - you really can't blame a girl for being in denial about having infected warts, now, can you? I mean, think about it... With Valentine's Day approaching, I contemplate the following personal ad, "Somewhat geeky and anxious, slightly obsessed, neurotic runner with infected plantar's warts seeks soul mate. Claims to enjoy activities that are as much fun as you can have with your boots (or running shoes) on."

And I wonder why they're not lined up at the door with bunches of roses in hand? I mean, really!!

Potpourri update

Well, life certainly zooms along!

It is Day 12 of no running due to a foot infection. I finished off the oral antibiotics yesterday and saw the doctor today. I'm to continue with topical treatments until it is completely healed. I can walk on it now, which is a step forward.

I'm trying my best not to go completely insane. I've been doing stationary bike workouts and weights like some kind of demon. My trainer gave me a new workout that I'm supposed to start tomorrow, which is good. I need something to keep my brain occupied.

I have signed up for yoga and "cardio salsa" this term, too. So far, the yoga is OK, but I've had to modify some of the moves in the cardio class. The instructor doesn't seem too impressed with that, as she is very keen for us to work hard and do exactly as she demonstrates. I've no intention of going into details with her about the foot situation. She's not open to it. So I do what I can and that'll have to suffice.

Hopefully the foot will be in good enough shape for the next fitness leadership course, which is February 2 and 3 - all day, both days. I've heard that it is quite an active weekend, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

That's the "extra-curricular" course, in addition to my "real" school work. I had to submit an application to an Ethics board to conduct my research. It's standard procedure at my university. It's also standard procedure for them to reject your first application and require (sometimes extensive) edits. I only got dinged with what seemed like minor edits. However, I have heard stories that they can come back to you multiple times, each time with new and different things to revise. You're not officially allowed to start any research involving interviews until you have clearance, so the process can drag on.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that these are the only set of edits I have to do.

I have been having trouble getting a response from people I'd like to interview at other universities. I started making calls and sending e-mails before Christmas. So far, it's been tough. I am documenting all my attempts, so if I don't hear anything, I may have to think my research plan. What joy.

In other news, I have changed jobs. My contract as a project coordinator at the research centre where I worked concluded before Christmas. Now, I am doing some research and project work with my Ph.D. supervisor and some (paid!) free lance writing. So far, I am enjoying it and the hours are flexible, which is very good for my sanity at the moment.

In addition to school, work, and training, two people close to me are getting married this year! My brother asked his girlfriend of 2 years to marry him and my friend, A., who has been a regular feature on this blog because she's been an avid supporter of my running, also got engaged over the holidays.

Both weddings are in June - a week apart! My brother's wedding will involve family visits from out of the province and it will be a busy time catching up with people we haven't seen in a long time.

A. has asked me to be her maid of honour. I was thrilled to be asked and already plans are underway!

I was out dress shopping, on separate occasions, with both brides last week. I am happy to say that after one trip, both girls now have beautiful dresses that suit them perfectly. Someone commented to me that I must be good luck! Well, whatever it is, I am very happy because they both look stunning in their respective gowns.

So, that is life in a nutshell lately. Until this infection is gone, I am focussing on eating right and getting lots of sleep. Since it's "lights out" at 10:00 p.m. for me these days, I'd better go make some lunch for tomorrow!

I'll be around to visit blogs soon, too!

Quiet but deadly (well, not really, but you'll see a theme in the post)

I may have been a bit of a bad blogger, but there's been stuff going on!

Here's the quick re-cap:

I did my first 20-miler! It was last week (before I got a nasty infection in my foot, that resulted in a tetanus shot and antibiotics! Argh!)

The run was loooong - 4.5 hours. Ugh. I will need to speed up before the marathon, that's for sure. Anyway, I am glad to have the first 32 km run in the bag.

One of my goals for this year is to learn to "run in metric". You gotta admit that "32" sounds better than "20", no?

I know how I'll be spending my summer vacation. I'll be volunteering at:



If all goes as planned, I'll get to meet Michelle and Eric there, too, since Eric is crazy enough to have signed up to run it.

I signed up to volunteer before I knew Eric was running. As a result I won't be able to crew for him, but it will be seriously cool to meet them both!

Anyone want to come volunteer with me?

Before then, I'll be renewing my First Aid and CPR (not that Eric will need that, but others might!)

I will also need to renew them if I'm going to finish off a certification I started before Christmas. In November I took a 2-day Fitness Theory Course with the Alberta Fitness Leadership Certification Association. I didn't blog about it because I was a bit hesitant. Our instructor told us that the exam has about a 40% failure rate.

I took the exam on December 13 and got my results last week. I passed. Yaay!

In February I'll take another 2-day course on leading group exercise classes. If I pass that exam, I can then do a practicum. If I pass the practicum, then I need to make sure my First Aid and CPR are in valid in order to get my provincial certification to lead group fitness classes. Wouldn't that be cool?

I'm taking it one step at a time, but from what everyone says, the theory part is the worst, so hopefully the rest will be challenging, but fun.

So I've been off, quietly doing things that move me forward. And it's always about moving forward, isn't it?

Looking forward

Sorry I've been away from blogging for a bit. The past few months have seen some changes that put me at somewhat of a crossroads. Changes at work have led me to seek new work, which created both opportunities and stress. It has been tricky balancing it with school and training, but it has given me the chance to venture out and try something new, which is good.

My running and training suffered during last semester, too. I overtrained somewhat last summer and in the early fall, I crashed a bit. I spent the rest of the fall doing reduced workouts. I gained some weight, too. Ugh. Not like before, but enough that I notice it when I run. The job stress probably didn't help with that, either. I will work on getting the weight down before the marathon.

And yes, marathon training has started! For Christmas, my older brother and his girlfriend gave me a race entry to the marathon of my choice. I've gotta do it now!

So, with some job prospects on the horizon and a renewed commitment to running, with plans for a marathon this year and a training plan in place (thanks to my amazing trainer), a visit to a sports nutritionist planned to help with the grumpy gut and vomiting that happens when I run hard, and a commitment to volunteer at an ultra event in August, I'm re-focussed and feel much, much better about where I'm going.

Bring on 2008.

Merry Christmas and some recipes

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all! I've been away from Blogger for a while, but I'll be around to visit and say hello soon.

This picture was taken yesterday at my brother's place. This is Ceili, the canine snuggle machine.

Here are the recipes you sent, along with a few of my own.

To start, here's one from Angie:

Chocolate Cream Pie

2 c chocolate chips
2 boxes silken tofu
1 tablespoon vanilla
1 large graham cracker crustFruit (optional)
Melt the chocolate chips over low heat, stirring constantly. Put the silken tofu in a food processor and puree. Add the melted choc chips and process till smooth. Add vanilla. Pour into the crust and refreigerate for a couple of hours. Add fruits to the top if you wish (I never ruin good chocolate with fruit!).

Sarah in Oregon says, that her favorite is:

Butternut Goat Cheese Spread (google that if the link doesn't work):

http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=549952

And here are a couple that I've made and given as gifts this year. Yes, they sound weird. They're not. They're fantastic. Trust me. A guy once came a party I threw (invited by another guest), tasted my cooking and asked me to marry him on the spot. I kid you not.

Breakfast bean cookies

My friend who gave me this recipe told me that it comes from Julie Van Rosendaal at
http://www.onesmartcookie.ca/

Makes 2 dozen cookies

Ingredients

2 cups oats (quick or old fashioned, not instant)
1 cup all-purpose flour, or half all-purpose and half whole-wheat
1 tsp. baking powder
¼ tsp cinnamon
¼ tsp. salt
1 – 19 oz. (540 ml) can of white kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp. vanilla
½ cup chocolate chips, the darker the better
½ cup raisins, dried cranberries, chopped dried apricots, or a combination of dried fruits
¼ - ½ cup chopped walnuts or pecans
2 Tbsp. ground flax seed

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 F.
Place oats in the bowl of a food processor and pulse until it resembles coarse flour. Add the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon and salt and process until combined. Transfer to a large bowl.

Put the beans into the food processor and pulse along with the butter, brown sugar, egg and vanilla until smooth, scraping down the sides of the bowl.

Pour the bean mixture into the oat mixture and stir by hand until almost combined; add the chocolate chips, raisins, nuts and flaxseed and stir just until blended.

Drop large spoonfuls of dough onto a cookie sheet that has been sprayed with non-stick spray, and flatten each one a little with your hand. Bake for 14-16 minutes, until pale golden around the edges but still soft in the middle. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Per cookie:
138 calories, 3.5 g total fat (1.4 g saturated fat, 1 g monounsaturated fat, 0.8 g polyunsaturated fat), 3.4 g protein, 23 g carbohydrate, 14.2 mg cholesterol, 2 g fiber, 22% calories from fat.

Sarah’s notes:

Instead of using cooking spray, I line my cookie sheets with parchment paper. It lowers the fat, creates less mess and the paper can be reused several times.

I make the cookies a bit smaller than what the original recipe suggests and I usually end up with three to three and a half dozen cookies.

I have always used the combination of half regular and half whole wheat flour and found that it works well.

Cabbage cake

Cabbage, disguised as coconut, adds moisture to this fudgy bundt cake.

Ingredients

3 cups finely shredded cabbage
⅓ cup white sugar
½ cup butter
1 ¼ cups sugar
3 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour
½ cup sifted cocoa
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. instant coffee granules
1 cup hot water
Icing sugar

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 F.

In a large bowl combine cabbage and ⅓ cup white sugar, stirring well. Cover and refrigerate 1 hour or overnight. Drain the cabbage thoroughly.

In a mixing bowl, beat butter and 1 ¼ cups of sugar until creamy. Beat in eggs until fluffy.

In a separate bowl sift together flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon and salt.

Add to creamed mixture alternately with coffee dissolved in water and the drained cabbage, beating until well combined.

Spoon into a greased 9” bundt pan. Bake for 55-60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean. Cool completely in the pan. Sprinkle with icing sugar.

Happy holidays to all!

I love winter running

When I first started running I was very apprehensive about running in the winter. I'm not a big fan of the cold... or being cold. The thought of training outside in the freezing weather just did not sit well.

But after asking around, it seems that prolonged treadmill sessions (longer than 90 minutes) are not that much fun. I've heard reports that it leaves you more sore than "regular" running, that the body mechanics are slightly different and it's just not as good as being outside.

So, I keep my treadmill sessions fairly short and do the long runs outside. Today it was beautiful... bright and sunny and cool -10C (that's about 14F for our friends south of the border). The "real feel" temperature was slightly colder and I think that where I was on the river pathways, it was probably colder yet, because of the water, which was still flowing in most part, though with chunks of ice floating on the surface.

After much reading and asking around, I have learned to prepare myself... Warm water in the bottle, layers of clothing, a hat, gloves, sunglasses and of course, the iPod. I don't get the layers quite right all the time... often I end up with too many. But that's better than not having enough clothes on, for sure.

And so, out I headed for an easy 10 miles (16 km)... nice and slow... out to enjoy the scenery and work on building my base.

Calgary's river pathways are beautiful. In the summer time, they are very busy. But at this time of year, not so much. There are a few people walking dogs and the odd person out for a walk on these pathways that are cleared by the city for those who dare to brave the elements.

Then there's us. The runners. On days like today, we recognize each other as the ones dedicated to our practice. We are drawn by the warmth of summer. Nor are we among those who are out there to "be seen". We are there to run. It's hard work out there in that cold. We know that. But still, we are there, doing what we love to do.

I have discovered that runners who hit Calgary's pathways in the winter are a special breed. They salute one another with a smile, a nod or a wave.... a sign of respect and honour for a fellow die hard. This happens sometimes in the summer, but in the winter, almost every runner I encounter acknowledges others on the path. I love this feeling, this sense of community among individuals. I enjoy the space on the pathways, the cooler air and the way the river and the trees look at this time of year.

I never considered myself a "winter sport" person. Little did I know that running could be a winter sport.

First running birthday, first 30 km run

On this day last year, I ran for 30 minutes straight. It was after being injured for over a year. I had done some running before that but I couldn't really call myself a runner, since injury came not long after I started.

How did I celebrate my first running birthday?

I ran, of course.

In fact, my plan was to do my longest run of the year to date, with the goal being 30 km.

When I woke up this morning, the "light" snow they had warned us of turned out to be a rather sizeable dump of snow. And the temperature of -8 C / 17 F they predicted was more like -14 C / 7 F. I waited until it warmed up to -10 C / 14 F (though Accuweather said the Realfeel temperature was more like -22C / that's -7.6 F, with the wind chill and humidity). Then, I headed out. It didn't warm up much through the day either.

Jeeeezuuussss!!!

I am not conditioned to run in the cold weather and my longest run to date is 15 miles / 24 km. The thought of doing 30 km or 18 miles, just didn't seem possible.

But I took lots of breaks, fuelled well and in the end here are the Garmin stats:

Time: 3:58:47
Distance: 18.87 mi or 30.37 km
Avg. pace: 12:39 min/mi or 7:51 min/km
Avg. speed: 4.7 mph or 7.6 kph
Max. speed: 6.4 mph or10.2 kph
Avg. HR: 141 bpm
Max. HR: 157 bpm

It was slow, even for me. But given the cold and the fact that my longest run was 3 miles or about 6 km less than today's effort, I am OK with the pokeyness. I can work on speed when the conditions are more reasonable.

Believe it or not, I did overheat a bit and ended up taking off my long underwear in a public washroom along the way. I had no choice but to tie them around my waist. There they were... white, Wilson brand, long underwear, with a big orange stripe around the waist band, rolled up, with each leg wrapped around one side of my waist and tied in the middle. Very attractive.

I was testing out new winter Pearl Izumi running pants, which are lovely and warmer than I expected, so the long underwear was overkill. I arranged the route so there would be a stop at the car just after the halfway point. Then I dumped the long underwear and one of the top layers. Having said that, after 4 hours, the front of my legs were a bit cold and I noticed my knees were getting a bit creaky.

Some random thoughts that occured to me along the way (a.k.a. thoughts only other runners would get):

• I really hope my Vaseline isn't frozen when I get back to the car.
• (After finishing the run, and upon returning to the car) Hey, cool, my pb&j sandwich isn't completely frozen. I can still eat it!
• Running in the cold isn't so bad.
• Running in the cold sucks!
• My knees don't feel too bad.
• My knees are sore.
• Thank God for the men who clear the river pathways. I mean really, thank God for them!

At the end, minimal discomfort in the way of blisters and GI issues, which made me very happy. I think it has something to do with slowing down. Mind you... maybe my body was just too shocked by the cold to rebel.

And with that, I happily celebrate my birthday as a one year old runner, and a 37-year old human. Yup, it's my real birthday today, too. Cool, eh?

"M" minus six months, why people gain weight over the holidays and tag

"M" minus six months

So, I've revised the marathon plan. If the conference in Europe happens, I want to go and enjoy it, not be all grumbly about the marathon I missed at home. So, instead, I'm opting for the Red Deer Marathon, slated for May 18, exactly six months from today.

I went out for a five miler (8 km) today. It was one of those days when I was dragging my sorry butt along the pathways, but now that I have a definite goal, I am committed to it.

I've also been toying with the idea of running an ultra one day... I know, I know... I need a few marathons under my belt first. But, the seed's been planted, so watch this space!

And people wonder why they gain weight over the holidays!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry... I found this while I was looking for some new healthy holiday recipes.

Martha Stewart's Deep Fried (American) Thanksgiving Turkey
http://food.yahoo.com/recipes/martha-stewart/recipe1654/deep-fried-turkey

Apparently, this is a REAL recipe. (See the photo of her with the huge fryer basket.)

Per Serving
Calories: 2345 kcal
Carbohydrates: 2 g
Dietary Fiber: 0 g
Fat: 191 g
Protein: 147 g
Sugars: 0 g

Let Martha get fat. I have a marathon to train for!

On that happy note, I've decided to open up the blog for the holidays... If you e-mail me your healthy holiday recipes, I'll post them on the blog (giving you credit, unless you tell me to do otherwise). And if I have time, I'll test them out and post a photo of the results for you!

Bring on the healthy holidays!

Tag

Oh yeah, and I've been tagged.

Here are the Rules:
Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
Share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
Tag 3 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
Let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog.
My tagger: Karen

1. I hate going to the video store. I'd rather buy the video or have someone else go and pick out the movie. I'll even spring for the rental; just don't make me go to the video store!
2. I love lemon merengue pie... or any lemony dessert. Sweet - and just a little tart. (No comments from the peanut gallery, please!)
3. I once went polar bearing in Halifax harbour... January 1, 1986, I think it was.
4. I have never broken a bone - or had one broken by anyone else, for that matter!
5. I once owned a 1972 VW Beetle, hand-painted baby blue for me by a friend. He added flowers, a peace symbol, a happy face and where there were dents he wrote the word "Ouch!" I drove it until the brakes gave out when I was driving it one day. Luckily, I was not hurt but the mechanic refuesed to fix it, given that there were bits tied together with laundry line and duct tape. I miss that old car...

OK, I'm now tagging Bast, Turtle, Robb, Sarah and Michelle.

Last chance half marathon report

The conditions for today's half marathon are excellent. Partly sunny and cool. It's supposed to be between 0 and 2 Celcius (just above the freezing mark) for the duration of the run, with varying amounts of sun. Once again, my inexperience in racing shows, and I am unsure how to dress. I layer up with a tank top, long sleeved training shirt and then a fleece. I wear shorts, with long pants over them to keep my legs warm until I get to the start line.

Alia arrives at 8:45 a.m., leaving us plenty of time to arrive for the 10:00 a.m. start. As we are chatting I tell her that I had a nightmare. Like many people, I don't sleep well the night before a race, but I also don't often have nightmares that wake me up in a panic. In the dream I am living in an apartment building. I come home to find my front door is open. I can see there is a man inside.

I start to run. I see a girl I know (no one I know in real life) and tell her we have to get to her house to call the police. She lives further than I anticipate and we are running hard. The man follows. I wake up, unsettled... and uneasy.

I tell Alia that I figure it is symbolic... Things that are beyond my control leave me feeling helpless and afraid. The conversation meanders on to other topics.

We get to the race with plenty of time to spare. The start / finish line is near a trendy, upscale market in the downtown area. That means... indoor washrooms! Sweet!

I shed some layers and we head to the start line. I see a running friend there and we exchange hellos.

The gun goes off. My Garmin and iPod go on. I start with my friend, but move ahead after a few hundred metres.

Nausea settles in fairly quickly. It is to remain with me for the remainder of the run. At one point I almost hope I will throw up, just to get it out of my system, but I have no such luck.

I run hard... start out too fast again. But I won't know this until much later in the race. The run is entirely along city pathways, not roadways. I find myself annoyed with runners who travel in packs, taking up the entire path, making it difficult for others to pass.

After about 6 km, I feel the not unfamiliar gush of fresh, bleeding blisters in my right shoe. There is still a long way to go. I notice that my shoe laces have loosened, which I think will make the blisters worse. I pull off to the side to re-tie them.

Bam!

A cyclist rams me in the hip as I'm about to crouch down. I shriek. He looks at me as if to say, "Stupid cow!"

These are public pathways and we all have to share them. This guy is obviously not associated with the race and, from having lived with a competitive cyclist, I can also tell he is not a "serious" cyclist... His bike and attire tell all... not to mention his lumpy figure. Luckily, he has not hit me hard. I watch him pass me and then crouch down to retie my shoes.

I run hard, wheezing and gasping as I usually do in races. I am down to my tank top and shorts now, having discarded my gloves (a cheap pair of "magic gloves") at the first water station, and tied the long sleeve shirt around my waist.

There is a girl in a short sleeved T-shirt and vest not far ahead of me. I wonder to myself about what it would be like to run in a vest. I have a couple, but I've never run in them.

She and I will battle for the lead between us from about the 7 km point (1/3 of the way) to the end of the race. There is also a senior citizen who is power walking, but moving at what seems to be an incredible speed for a walker... He also passes me at one point.

I think to myself, "I have to get past him. If for no other reason than my mental sanity. I will not be beaten by a walker!"

I push past him. The girl in the vest and I continue to jockey for the first place between us. In the last 4 km I feel myself slowing down. She catches up. We are neck and neck. I push hard. She falls back.

Next thing I know, she is beside me again.

We are in the final 2 km now. I think to myself, "OK, you wanna do this? Then let's do it." I push harder. I am winded. It taking everything I've got. She's good competition for me. She falls behind again.

I keep thinking to myself, "There's a girl on your heels who wants to beat you and a power walker not far behind her. Do not stop now!!"

Everything is burning. Aching. I really want to throw up. I see the finish line.

2:08:??

I think to myself, "What?? All this pain and I'm not even close to a PR?? WTF??"

I cross the finish line and accept the finisher's medal. I turn around. The girl in the vest finishes right behind me. I turn around and congratulate her on a good run. Without her, I would not have pushed it to the end.

I see Alia and I cannot contain my disappointment, "Too slow" were the first words out of my mouth. She starts to tell me that I was not slow. The words float vaguely through my head. I interrupt her... "I think I'm going to be sick."

She gets me to a bench and I almost collapse onto it. I know I ran hard. I can feel it. My gut feels awful. I am wondering about the blisters. Before the race, I had finally rid myself of them and had nice new skin there. That is no longer the case. The sock is drenched in blood. It has soaked through to the shoe. The socks and shoes come off. If nothing else, it will distract me from my nausea to tend to them. As I pull my foot out of my shoe, an involuntary, "Dyuggghhh!" escapes my mouth.

Alia hands me the supplies I need. I disinfect the blisters, lance them, put ointment on them and cover them in bandages and fresh socks.

We meet up with my running friend and head for the post-race buffet. My tummy is upset, but I am hungry. I eat very, very slowly. Still, it's the wrong thing to do. Not long after, I feel sick again. They sit with me patiently and wait for me to feel better.

By the time I make it home, the fresh socks are no longer fresh. They are also now drenched in blood. I don't care. I'm too tired and I feel too bad to care. I plug in my Garmin to find out that I was a minute and some slower than last time... but my average and maximum heart rate were slightly higher. That means I was working harder, but the results did not show it.

I have started to pay more attention to heart rate training. I see that in today's race, I spent a good 11 and a half minutes in zone 5. The rest was in zone 4, save for a couple of hundred feet.

I scroll through my training history. Only twice before have I ever spent that long in zone 5. Both times I threw up. Today, I managed to avoid that, though barely.

I am spent... completely and utterly spent. I grab a blanket and huddle under it. I'm too tired to shower even... and too sore and nauseous to care. I spend the next several hours under the blanket wondering many things... and trying to come to grapple with the concept of what it means to be "good enough."

Thus ends my first season of racing.

Blog post on a snowy day

We woke up to a winter wonderland here in Calgary today. It's been snowing all day and I've stayed inside, catching up on my studying.

I finally got my scholarship applications in, as well as a draft of my ethics application done. My research will focus mostly on publicly available documentation from university English language programs, but if I want to interview anyone for my thesis, I need to get approval from the research ethics board at the university.

This is a relatively new requirement, instituted in the past few years. It is an incredibly rigorous process and I don't know of anyone whose application has been approved the first time they submit it. The committee is notoroious for demanding changes. You submit revisions and then they demand more changes. It can take months for them to approve your application. But if you go ahead and start your research with out their approval, apparently it can be declared null and void and you don't graduate. So, I got the first draft of the application done. I'll wait for the revision requirements to come back and then go from there.

I've been cutting back a bit in my running lately, as the taper begins for next weekend's half marathon.

Now that the snow is here, I think it's high time to look at buying some winter running gear! Anyone know of a place that sells petite (as in, for short people) running tights? I went into one running store and the sales girl said, "Just buy an extra small."

Needless to say, I left the store shortly thereafter.

A 5K "fracaso"

"Fracaso" is the Spanish word for when something flops. A common use of the word is in the phrase "un fracaso total", or "a complete flop".

I can't say that last weekend's race was "un fracaso total" because I got a PR - of sorts - out of it. But there were blips.

When I went to pick up the race packages for a couple of friends who were running, as well as my own package, I noticed that there were no timing chips handed out. I asked, "So, there's no chips?"

I was told, "No, it's an untimed race."

My first thought, which I did not voice was, "Well, isn't that a lovely oxymoron - an untimed race. Isn't the point of a race is that it is timed???" But I bit my lip.

When I got home, I checked the registration web page and they had used words like "race", "racer" and "competitor". Then, I read the material in the race package which stated that they had decided not to time this year's event, but make it a "family fun run" instead. The race pack info also said this was to be the last time they were going to hold this run, due to costs.

Being the student I am, I pick and choose my races carefully because each one costs money to enter. Needless to say, the race director got a polite but pointed e-mail that runners should have been informed of the change, so that we could make informed decisions about how to spend our money.

I was not a particularly happy camper, but I decided that since I had my Garmin, I would time myself.

On race day we lined up at the start line, the gun went off and away we went. A few minutes along my friend caught up to me and told me that the 5K route was "back there"! I was running with the 10K group. I learned later, there was a staggered start and I started with the wrong group. Then, I missed the turn-off for the 5K route (precisely because no one had turned off yet, because the 5K runners had not even started yet.)

I thought, "Screw it. I've got a Garmin. I'll stop it at 5K and that will be my time."

Now, I don't know why, but my running brain works in miles. My Garmin is set in miles. I turned it off at 3.2 miles. Turns out that's 5.15 K, not 5 K. Oh well. Anyway, my time was 27:15 for 5.15K. That's almost a 4-minute improvement since my first 5K in May. So, that's something to celebrate.

Also, because it was Halloween weekend, lots of people were dressed in costumes and it was a hoot to see them. The weather was good - dry and cool. These are also things to celebrate and enjoy.

Starting with the wrong group, missing the turn off and having to walk back to the finish line after 5K - yeah, that's the "fracaso" part.

I have decided that one of my goals for 2008 is to program my Garmin to display kilometres and (more difficult) program my brain "run in metric".

Life zooms along...

Well, it's that time of the semester again... I'm up to my eyeballs in "stuff" - scholarship applications, conference proposals, ethics clearance application and let's not forget - my own research. I am buried, I tell you, buried in stuff!

The car got fixed and now I need to start thinking about snow tires. More financial fun!

The cat continues to get better. She still has her cone on, poor thing. I've tried taking it off, but she starts grooming compulsively and re-opens the wounded area, causing it to bleed. So, the cone stays on until she's healed.

My room mate, Gord, finally headed east to his new home in Cape Breton. So, the house is quiet. Or rather, "the house is less full of laughter". Isn't it funny how it's less likely that the house will be filled with happy laughter when you're the only one in it? I am more of a "quiet ponderer" type when left alone. Sometimes good. Sometimes not good.

In any case, I am on the hunt for a new roomie. I have been reluctant to post ads on public bulletin boards around school, hoping instead that something will come up through people I know. But I may post an ad yet. We'll see...

And now for the juicy stuff. Running! (You were expecting something else?)

I have a 5 km race this weekend, which I am looking forward to. I know, I know, I said I was not going to do any more 5 km races; they're too short. But I wanted to see if I could end the season with a better time, so we'll give it a whirl.

The marathon decision is out. Karen wins! At this point I am planning to run the Calgary Stampede marathon next July. The only possible glitch is that I may be funded to go to a conference next year around that time. And if I can get an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe, well, I'll pick another marathon. (Who wouldn't? I mean, really!) But the decision on that won't be made for several months, yet. In the meantime, I will train like I'm running in July and if I need to postpone, I will.

The other thing I've been exploring with running is how to train using heart rate as a guide. I've done a bit of reading and would like to learn more, so suggestions for Sarah's reading list are most welcome.

OK, folks, time to return this pretty little head to the books.... Will try to catch up on blogs soon. I miss you guys!

Running away from problems

I am happy to report that the cat is doing much better. She still has her cone on, but the healing is progressing very well. She still hates being showered, but so would I, in her position.

Having to deal with that little surprise caused a small dent in my bank account. Then, it got worse when I took the car in for an oil change and asked the mechanic (whom I trust) to check the leak under the car.

Was it a small leak? Well, yes, for now. Will it get worse? Yes. Is it cheap and easy to fix? No.

A "classic" problem for GM and Chrysler cars that use this stuff called "Dexcool" has finally hit my car. Aparently this Dexcool stuff corrodes the gasket of the intake manifold, eventually requiring said part to be replaced. (Aren't you impressed my mechanical vocabulary?) You can't use any other kind of coolant in cars that require Dexcool and yet the stuff basically breaks your vehicle down over time. There's been law suits over it in the U.S. I understand, but not in Canada. Anyway, now it's time for my intake manifold to be replaced. Excuse me while I cough up another $900.

Ouch.

These two things have me reeling. I am generally responsible with my money and I know surprises happen, but why can't they just space themselves out a little better? Being a student has its downside... the biggest one being finances, I think.

Anyway, I decided that adding a little bit of insult to injury wouldn't hurt, so I went and signed up for another half marathon (Nov. 11 - The Last Chance Half Marathon), just to distract myself and make myself feel better. I mean, these other expenses make a race fee entry seem small, in comparison.

I felt more focussed and positive after I did that. I thought, "I'm a runner. I'll cope. That's what we do."

In years past I would have stuffed my face full of junk and drowned my sorrows in pop. Now, apparently I just rust run away from my problems. :-)