The Stats course nearly got the better of me. It came to the final paper and I thought, " I can't. I just... can't. I don't have it in me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to fail..."
Asked for an extension. Didn't get it.
And the meltdown began.
I was going to withdraw from the course. Take it next semester again. (Next semester is the last semester I am allowed to take classes, according to my program's timeline. And this is a required course for me.) All sections of Stats for next semester are full.
I thought about my options:
- Withdraw from both the course and the Ph.D. program.
- Try to pass Stats.
- Avoid failure and shame by ending my life.
I consulted with my Ph.D. supervisor who basically forbid me to withdraw from the course. "Do the paper... You'll likely end up more or less intact."
I thought about withdrawing the whole time I was writing the paper, trying to turn the endless internal recording of "I'm too stupid for this!" to happier, positive thoughts.
Didn't really work. But I tried anyway.
After 3 nights of not sleeping and not being able to turn my brain off all night (punctuated only by tears, and waking up crying after I did get to sleep), last night I downed four shots of tequila and finally got some sleep.
Oh yeah, and it just makes matters so much better when people you know look at you and say, "Gosh, you look like hell!"
Thanks. Now, bugger off!
The time limit to withdraw from courses was today at 4:00 p.m. I e-mailed my paper (31 pages) to the prof at 3:55, a few minutes before the deadline to hand that in, too.
So, the paper is in. I am not hopeful about passing.
But at least it is out of my hands.