I picked up a book on running a while back and in it I found a wise saying... that there is a fine line between a complete breakthrough and a complete breakdown.
I've been walking that line this week -- in more ways than one.
In a couple of hours I'll be handing in my first paper in this Ph.D. program that actually counts for marks. Not only is it for marks, it is worth 50% of the final grade.
Have I been stressing?
Just about gone off the freaking deep end?
The other day Leah shouted her usual "Good morning!" from her room after she woke up.
I just groaned.
"What's wrong?!" She asked.
"I hate school! Why did I ever think I could do this? They made a mistake when they admitted me. I can't do this..."
I've never hated school in my life! In fact, I'm one of those geeks that loves school.
And I don't hate it now. Truth be told, I'm loving my two courses... but I feel like I'm living inside a pressure cooker at the moment... and that's just not fun.
My classmate, Steamer, did point out that much of this is self-inflicted.
And he's right... sigh...
I'm a perfectionist... which often leads me closer to breakdown and only very rarely to breakthrough.
And it's only the first semester. God help me.
Working out -- which was supposed to keep me sane -- has come with its own frustrations this week. Yesterday's training session just about left me in tears (though, as per my nature, I would rather die than cry!) I keep trying these new exercises and lack the ability to do them properly -- and I don't know how to get it right. I'm probably just too stressed at the moment to absorb new activities, especially physical ones... I'm much more comfortable "living in my head" than in my body, it seems.
I'm so glad it's a long weekend! I will catch up on reading and catch up on "Sarah time with friends", many of whom have been neglected these past few weeks and the friendships need nurturing.
So, this weekend is dedicated to bringing back some balance and taking good long deep breaths, followed by some deep belly laughs while celebrating with friends... And maybe some tequila is even in order this weekend... Oh yeah...