I dreamt of my Mum last night. She died more than six years ago. I don’t like to analyze these things too much, but suffice to say that it throws me for a loop whenever I dream of her so vividly that I wake up with a physical ache that starts deep inside and radiates outwards.
You know what that feels like… the pain of saying good-bye to someone you love… I don’t have to tell you about it, I’m sure.
I had an overwhelming sense of “life is short” for the rest of the day.
I took my time this morning… actually tasted my breakfast, chilled out to the soothing Latin sounds of Cesaria Evora in the car (as opposed to the usual classic rock that accompanies me on the busy morning streets) and made a point to notice the beauty of the hoar frost that graced the trees of the campus this morning.
I went to class prepared, after having done all my readings. I was able to both listen and contribute, which I can’t do if I’m tired… I either “tune out” or become overly zealous in an effort to make a coherent contribution… But today I was engaged in the process, as they say. It was good.
And I ate.
Steak. (Yes, Turtle, you were right... steak is a good thing!)
I ate steak in the student pub with my buddy, Steamer, using up a discount coupon that was soon to expire (student budget and all...)
You could say that Steamer and I are in the same “cohort” in our Ph.D. program, but since we were the only two accepted into our specialization of Educational Leadership this year, we are a cohort of two… on different, though very similar journeys.
We have had no time to support one another or talk about our work in weeks. Today we did. We talked about losing – and regaining – our balance and how this is part of the process. We have both lost our balance a bit this year… and it was good to be reminded that this is normal.
This afternoon, I mapped out my entire schedule for next week… including time for studying, work, working out and research… and that ultra sound for my tibia.
Even though next week looks crazy again… I can see that it is week 11 of 14 in the semester… We are getting close to the end. Mapping it all out brings me a sense of relief and clarity. At least I know what is going on and what to expect when... even if the days are 12 to 14 hours long before I get to go home.
What is lost is social time, so please forgive me if I don’t see you next week… It is nothing personal! It is the end of the semester and this is all quite normal… So please don’t get upset with me if I decline invitations or seem out of touch. I will make up for it after school is done… Promise!
Despite the fact that I woke up feeling “off centre” and sad, the day has gotten progressively better… I feel a certain sense of peace and a lot more balance than I have in a few weeks.
And my knee isn’t so grumpy today. It’s not perfect… but it’s not screaming, either.
Angie was right… I feel twinges of wanting to work out again… but I will not… I know that I am finally starting to “wind down” and need to be as disciplined about getting rest as I was about working out.
Going home now… Supper is waiting for me in the fridge tonight… And I have an early date with my pillow, too...
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7 comments:
It sounds like it ended up being a good day, one of those where you feel centered, all the way through your bones.
Maybe your Mom visited your dreams in order to help you find that center and balance. It's nice to think so isn't it?
Good luck for the next few weeks, rest well and keep your balance.
There are a few people in this blogging world that I wish I were much closer to geographically so I could get together with them and you are definitely one of those people Sarah. One of these days you will have to fill me in on some of the process of your PhD program as I am hoping to take that path in the future as well. I don't want to get ahead of myself just yet, but I know that it is in my future. Best wishes for the completion of this semester and the continued search for balance.
You don't have to tell us about it (boy, have I felt it, and I feel for you), but it's nice when you do. This is a very touching and nicely composed post -- I love the intro and the hoar frost and the cohort named Steamer. Life may be short, and stressful at times, but it can also be full and rich. Very rich indeed.
Hi Sarah,
I lost my father in 1982, and it still hurts and you never really get over losing a parent. You might still be in morning which is okay, it'll take as long as it takes.
You did well in turning you day into a possitive. Keep it up! And try not to let life and your leg or knee healing get you down.
Janice~
I had a similar moment the other day. Remembering someone ... not sure if it was a good feeling though.
Whenever you get through your semester we will be there. So, don't worry that we have forgotten you or that we have given up on you. Never. Trees, frost good.
Lots of warm thoughts in this post, Sarah. You've taken the time to smell the roses - the little things in life we often miss - nice.
Hang in there, as W says, we will be there.
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