Friday, December 30, 2005

Dating... sizing it up (part one)

So... I just have to share this one...

I was chatting with a friend recently and the conversation rolled around to dating. He told me that he has always dated "bigger women". (We did not define what "bigger" meant.)

I asked him, "So... you've never dated "smaller" women?" (Again, we did not define what "smaller" meant. Either we both understood or it was just too awkward to go there...)

He replied, "Well... yes... more or less." He then went on to tell me that he'd had one very active year during which he dated about 60 women he'd met on line - most of them for one coffee date only. (60 women in one year -- Studly, huh?) Anyway, he said, "I came to the conclusion that there's a direct relationship between a woman's size and how interesting she is."

"Excuse me?!" I demanded, forgetting all manners and rules of decorum and diplomacy...

"Well, yeah... I mean... In my experience, the bigger women are more... well... interesting... The ones with perfect bodies, perfect hair and perfect make up are... well... boring."

I can honestly say that I've never heard such a thing from a man before.

Any man.

Ever.

And being a woman who has been both "bigger" (Canadian size 22) and "smaller" (Canadian size 4) -- and continued to date / have relationships throughout my ... er... "ups and downs", shall we say... these particular comments did leave me thinking about the whole issue of size and attraction.

And at the moment, I'm not sure I have any conclusions... so I'm putting this out there for feedback. Lemme know your thoughts on this one, OK?

15 comments:

kt said...

too funny, sarah. i take it, since he didn't qualify his statements, he WAS talking about GIRTH not height. and you took it that way since you mentioned your dress sizes. WELL, i know when i was @ my skinniest, that is really all i could focus on. it was such a novelty! plus, if i DIDN'T focus on it, i was SURE TO gain a million pounds!
i assure you, i am, really interesting fat and skinny. alas, also when fat, VERY inward-focused, tho, and VERY SELF CONSCIOUS! fortunately for me (not my dear hubby) i've been my LARGEST since marriage! i dated all thru my pre-married fat days. but those fat days SURE WEREN'T FAT compared to how far UP THE SCALE i've gone since. and i never had great boyfriends until my wonderful hubby. i definitely settled while overweight. sad,huh? dunno why. my dad was a great example to me. dunno why i picked CREEPS. just GLAD that dh came along! thank God i didn't settle for the one previous to him! thank YOU, JESUS!!
SEE, isn't this SHALLOW? i'm SURE you wanted input on how INTERESTING, BRAINY, INTELLECTUAL fat women are or skinny...and all i've talked about is outside appearance. maybe it's america, sarah. WHERE I GREW UP (here) it was ALL ABOUT LOOKS...at least that's the msg i got from my peers.
VERY SAD. i so hope and ENDEAVOR to teach my girls (and son) another story.
i love your blog.
ps: PLS talk about your Englischer family! did you grow up in england or CAnada?

kt said...

and, can i link to your blog from mine?
permision, por favor!

ipodmomma said...

I met Peter when I was fairly big, and he thought I was fasicnating... ha ha ha...

and he's stuck around now that I'm not as big, so I guess he still thinks I'm sort of amusing... again, ha ha ha...

I haven't had a whole lot of experience with men other than Peter, so this is not going to be very insightful. but I find your friend's comment very interesting... sort of telling, isn't it?

something to ponder, just for what it's worth...

Happy New Year!

Turtle Guy said...

Oh, Sarah... this IS a juicy topic! Where to begin...

Perhaps a little insight from a male perspective? With respect to your friend's choice of women... could it be that perhaps he's more interested in the lady, not her size? Perhaps it was just dumb luck that most of his better dates were larger women. OR, perhaps considering the test subject pool, there may have been more "genuine" ladies who happened to be larger.

Question, because you didn't specify: was he comparing "obese" to "petite" or "average" women to "model" types? If the latter, "larger" COULD have meant just about ANYONE "average". And if he indeed was referring to "model" types, perhaps THEY were more about what HE looked like, and maybe he picked up on that.

Did you ask your friend about the long-term outcome of any of his dates? Who did he date long-term, and how did her "size" affect the relationship?

How about something completely different: Maybe size - large or small - doesn't matter to him. Could it be possible he looks for more than looks? From personal experience I've discovered that I'm far happier with someone who is relatively well balanced and thinks good things of themselves than someone who "looks perfect" but is messed up underneath. There's a lot of pressure in our society with respect to looks. There has to be a pressure valve somewhere...

Kim said...

HHMM interesting topic actually. Having been a "bigger" gal and a "smaller" gal and now maybe what those around me would consider "average" I'd still say it depends on the person in general. When I was heavy I was very selfaware and actually choose NOT to go places because I didn't like the way I looked. As I lost weight and gained more confidence I became involved in more things, I went back to college, found interest and interesting people in the gym, went to more social events I was invited to and had more energy to do all those things. Plus when heavy going anywhere was more of a chore because I had to wear just the right thing, thinking I was hiding 215 pounds however at 140ish, I felt comfortable in whatever I wore. Heavier I primped more, every hair, every stroke of blush, swipe of lipstick had to be perfect, smaller I was not as concerned about those things. So for me personally, I think I was less interesting when I was heavier only because I was MORE concerned with how I looked and looked to others. Just my .02

D said...

Funny topic. I bet everyone has a different perspective depending on their size, experience, confidence level, etc.

Your friend doesn't seem to be successful in relationships else he would have so many dates. Why didn't some of those dates turn into longer relationships or simply second dates. I think he is looking to blame smaller girls as opposed to looking at what my be wrong with him. Maybe it's his attitute. Maybe he has an attitude instantly toward smaller girls because he doesn't know how to act with them and is more comfortable with larger woman.

For me, since I workout and try to take care of myself (and it is a challenge because obesity tends to run in my family) it is important for me to be with someone that takes care of themselves. I think the interesting part of a person comes from their personality and their level of confidence. Whether that correlates somehow with their weight would be intersting to know. Interesting subject.

D said...

that should have been wouldn't have so many dates.

madcapmum said...

Ha! Good for your friend! Not that being fit and trim is a bad thing, but he's looking to see whether the light's on in the attic.

My Chive tells me I can lose all the weight I want, but I'd better still have a bum! He also says he's not too worried at this point, sassy man.

M A F said...

Sarah,

This has all the potential of playing with a hornets nest! But what the hell, its only harmful if I have a reaction to the stings.

There was way to much ambiguity (read: awkwardness) in this conversation. There should have been some effort to narrow the perameters of his idea, and your idea of a "bigger woman."

The more I think about it, the whole conversation is filled with ambiguity if not loaded terms. As a man I have serious reservations about a guy who says "bigger women are more... well... interesting..."

I would have asked that he be more specific when he says "interesting." Not to mention his labeling "The ones with perfect bodies, perfect hair and perfect make up are... well... boring."

I dont know your friend, and it isn't fair to make judgements having not participated in the conversation, but I'd want to ask questions to determine whether or not your friend is talking in some sort of code that he and his male friends are familar with that can be passed off on women without being overtly offensive.

Sorry if I seem untrusting. I guess I can't help it, I'm a guy, and I have a pretty good idea of what guys think and how they act. (As can turtle guy.)

OK, I expect to be pilloried for saying this but here it goes. I have know and loved several women that fit neatly into the range of 4-22. I'd love to explain why I was attracted to each woman, but I dont think I can. I am neither that smart or diplomatic.

Clearly issues of size and attraction are subject to many variables, from superficial to something heartfelt and emotional. This of course is my best diplomatic answer.

Can't wait to read your observations and conclusions, next year.

katt said...

Big or small someone loves them all. I don't think that in real life that the zise is the real factor, it's what's in our hearts and souls that counts. I have been both a size 22 and a size 5 like you Sarah and the one person I ended with (husband) he said he didn;t notice my size. Yes some notice the outward, and pass on by but some smart ones stop and take a look at what else there is to see.

There is now only 33 min to the new year so Have a Happy New Year and many blessings to you and yours through out the comeing year

katt said...

Big or small someone loves them all. I don't think that in real life that the zise is the real factor, it's what's in our hearts and souls that counts. I have been both a size 22 and a size 5 like you Sarah and the one person I ended with (husband) he said he didn;t notice my size. Yes some notice the outward, and pass on by but some smart ones stop and take a look at what else there is to see.

There is now only 33 min to the new year so Have a Happy New Year and many blessings to you and yours through out the comeing year

Bast said...

I've always thought women were way more concerned with weight than men. I think men don't care that much, really. I mean, as long as you'll go to bed with them, they're good. And different cultures define beauty differently anyway. I remember one guy once told me I was "Rubenesque". I was flattered until I looked it up. Plump. Round. Hmmm... maybe he meant it as a compliment ... but I didn't go to bed with him regardless.

Turtle Guy said...

BAST - that's a curious comment. Men don't care about weight so as long as a woman goes to bed with a man he's satisfied?

Sarah Elaine said...

Thanks for the comments, everyone. I can see this has sparked a good deal of discussion and as always, it is delightful to have dialogue on "juicy" topics.

I'll suggest that we close commentary on this posting for now, and carry on with more comments on Part Two.

Chrystal said...
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