Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Zen of a puffy knee?

After spending a couple of days with this taped up knee, I am coming to terms with reality. My head, heart and soul are settling back into balance and … well… it’s O.K.

The cold that invaded my body for most of last week is also subsiding, so I’m a much happier camper in general.

I made a mistake in the last post. I said the squats hurt. They don’t really hurt… more like “burn”… in all the places they’re supposed to. That means I’m probably doing them relatively correctly and they’re working the muscles they’re supposed to work.

Tim has added a new form of squats called “one-legged drop squats”. Imagine someone comes along behind you and pokes you behind your knee, making it collapse and you sink downwards. The new squats involve that type of motion… but controlled on the way back up. I find these desperately difficult, but if I think back to the beginning of December, I was barely able to do two-legged squats then.

So, there has been progress. I just need to remember it. I had a look through my training log for the past six weeks and I see that indeed, things actually are coming along… it’s just slower than I would like.

As for Tim, I have to say that I respect him and trust his opinion. Remember, this man inspired enough trust in me that I let him do accupuncture on me in our second session. I might go so far as to call this slight, unassuming and quiet man a "warrior healer" of sorts... He's knows exactly what he's doing and his job isn't a job, but a vocation. He knows he's a healer and uses the gifts he's been given in his job. I don't want to get too airy-fairy here, so let me just say that at this point, my gut tells me that I don't need a second opinion. I need to be patient.

As my dear old Mum used to say, “Patience is a virtue… It’s just not one of mine!”

Anyway, I’ve done a little re-wiring of my brain these past few days and I figure that if this fitness and health thing is going to be a lifestyle, then it’s the lifestyle that matters, not just the running. I like running and I hope I can get back to it one day.

If the reality is that my body doesn’t like running, I’ll find other stuff to do. Maybe I’ll take up badminton so I can whip Young Cousin’s butt when he comes to visit? Or maybe I’ll finally learn how to ice skate. Considering I live in Canada, that seems like a reasonable thing to know how to do… And I have this fantasy about learning hip hop dance. (I know… it’s not what you’d expect from me… but it just looks like so much fun!) So… there are things to do… And a life time to try them… as my confidence grows and the raging fear inside me subsides ever so slowly, I admit, I am getting curious about other kinds of activities…

I recognize that I am a creature of habit and comfort… I have come to rather enjoy my time at the gym. I never thought I’d live to say those words, but there they are! If I think back, there have been plenty of things that I hated... mostly because I couldn't do them and felt stupid and embarrassed about that. But I kept trying... and they've gotten easier... not always perfect, but easier.

In fact, I’m almost starting to think that it’s comfortable enough now that it might just be time to challenge myself to leave that comfort zone from time to time, change things up a bit and try something new… wall climbing… volleyball… capoiera… something that puts that knot back in my stomach, leaves me paralyzed with panic and has me feeling like I could never possibly do it…

Well… then again… maybe I’ll just contemplate that for now… as I continue to walk on the treadmill… Walk with the pain, as my Buddhist friend and mentor, Roberto, would say.... There's less pain than there used to be... but whatever is there... breathe it in, feel it, own it and walk with it... head and spirits high and centre balanced.

PS: I am happy to report that there has been no wallowing in ice cream... except for one small scoop while having dinner with Z. and L. tonight... But that was hardly wallowing... more like savouring... Yes, there was lots of laughter, giggles and good stories to go around... no wallowing at all!


kt said... glad you are sounding chipper-er(?)! i knew it wouldn't be long. WE are too old, aren't we **sorry** to be down in the dumps too long about something...i mean we HAVE legs at least, right? help me remember that when i can't seem to run either! but i'm approaching 40 and i don't want to quit living if i can't run. like you, look at all the things i CAN do!

i got the cds. LOVE them. i just posted. you'll read aboot them in there!

g'nite, canuk!
loves to ya!~~~kt

M A F said...

Sarah, it sounds like you are learning to "be."

robtherunner said...

Mixing things up is good. I have a comfort zone as well and need to remind myself to break out of it every once in awhile.

Turtle Guy said...

You're making peace with the way things are and you're growing, learning and expanding. Sounds like a pretty healthy way to be.

zouzou said...

yay! that sounds like the Sarah I know and love! Carry on, girlfriend! And when you're ready for that hip hop class I may just be in there with you (after I've off-loaded bebe, of course)